


Dreaming the life

by Janewyck



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst and Romance, Babyfic, Episode: s02e25 Resolutions, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-13 00:04:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13558440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janewyck/pseuds/Janewyck
Summary: Resolutions fix… or is it?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Like my Justin/Kathryn story ‘Rynna', this was born from a simple need for some backstory - both for a third and much larger one - but it insisted on being its own story. Except for that one part...
> 
>  
> 
> Note: There are two spots in this story where the dialog is directly copied from the ‘Resolutions’ episode. The first is the conversation at the garden and the introduction of the boat. The second… well, I'm worried it will give away part of the story, and it's such a minor thing, I'm not sure anyone would even notice. For the sake of avoiding any copywrite infringement, though, I will explain the second spot in the notes at the end of the story.

Kathryn put the tricorder away and sighed. The foreign soil didn't seem to have altered the basic composition of the Talaxian tomatoes. There  _ was _ an added element, but all the tricorder was able to tell her was that it was not harmful to humans. 

In order to find out if it was actually _ good _ for them, she would need to take her readings inside and study them on the computer. She sighed again. A medical tricorder would have told her right away, without her having to research it. 

Theirs was broken. Damaged beyond her ability to repair in the same plasma storm that took out her research equipment, it was now in a crate along with everything else that was broken in the storm.

Turning her attention back to the tomatoes, she began to work the soil around them. There were a few shoots of a foreign plant scattered here and there. Apparently weeds were universal things. 

They were working on growing foods they knew to be edible in order to reduce, and eventually eliminate, their dependence on the replicator. Kes had made them a care basket of seeds from all of her plants in the hydroponics bay when they left and Kathryn had begun the slow, steady process of growing them and testing to see how they reacted to the elements on New Earth.

The tomatoes had been the first test. Perhaps it should be the herbs this time. She laughed to herself. The herbs… real Earth oregano, thyme, basil, and several more medicinal ones like chamomile. 

During the process of cleaning out the quarters of her original First Officer, Cavitt - lost in the displacement wave that had brought Voyager to the DQ - they had discovered a small portable greenhouse filled with herbs. Chakotay had been thrilled and worked with Kes to ensure their transplantation to aeroponics was successful. 

Neelix hated them. He found the flavors very dull and unsatisfying and rarely used them. Chakotay and a few of the crew used them for fresh teas. Some even took to making scented sachets as a reminder of home. 

Now… well, here they could be used in any number of ways. To make some of Chakotay’s teas, of course, but also to flavor their foods and possibly even medicines. That would be one less thing from the replicator that they needed to rely upon. 

She made a mental note to talk to Chakotay about doing a survey of the local plant life for nutritional and medicinal properties. She’d just finished pulling the last ‘weed’ from her garden when Chakotay joined her.

“How's everything going out here?”

“We should have a nice crop of tomatoes in a little while.” 

“I had no idea you were such a green thumb.”

“Oh, yes, I grew up around farmers.”

“Well, if I could ask you to step away for a moment, I’d like your opinion on something.”

“You’ve come to the right person. I always have an opinion!” She stood up and, wiping the dirt off her hands, followed him into the shelter. 

Chakotay was inside at the table, standing over a computer display. Kathryn came around the edge of the unit and gasped in delight when she saw the screen. “Oh, Chakotay! A boat!”

“Well, you said you wanted to explore the river…”

“We could go on a camping trip!” 

He laughed. “There won’t be a bathtub.” 

“I won’t need one. I’ll have the river.” She laughed along with him. Suddenly a wave of dizziness came over her. “Chakotay…” She mumbled. Then her knees buckled and she fell to the floor. Distantly, she heard Chakotay call her name, then everything went dark.


	2. Chapter 2

Kathryn woke and stretched. Her muscles were so stiff, she felt like she hadn’t moved in days.

“Kathryn!” Chakotay’s exclamation startled her and she looked over to find that he was sitting on a packing crate next to her bed. “Thank the spirits you’re awake. I’ve been so worried…” His voice dropped off as a dark shadow crossed his face. 

He seemed to rouse himself, mentally shaking off the mood and forcing a cheery disposition in its place. “I expect you’re thirsty. Here…” He proffered up a cup of cool water.

Kathryn’s attempt at thanking him resulted in something that sounded like a frog’s croak. She then realized that, in addition to her throat being dry as dust, her lips were dry and cracked. Sitting up to take the cup of water from his hand sent a wave of nausea and dizziness through her and she groaned. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa…” She heard Chakotay say as she closed her eyes, willing the world to stop spinning. 

“You need to take it easy on yourself. You’ve been unconscious for a while, and I’m not sure if you are completely out of the woods, yet. Here, let me…” He held the cup up to her lips. “Just a small sip to wet your throat for now. I’m not sure how much your stomach will take.”

Kathryn placed a weak hand over his as she took a sip. “What do you mean ‘unconscious for a while’?”

Chakotay helped her take another sip, then put the cup down on her nightstand. Laying her back onto the bed, he looked at her gravely and gently took her hand. “You collapsed three days ago and have been unconscious since then.”

Collapsed… unconscious… for  _ three days _ ? “What happened?”

“I don’t really know. It just happened out of the blue. One minute we were joking about packing the tub on the boat for a camping trip, the next minute you were on the floor at my feet.”

“So what was wrong with me?”

“Your heart rate and body temperature were both dangerously high, your breathing was ragged and shallow, and you were really pale. That was all I could tell without the medical tricorder. Ultimately, all I could do was try to ease those symptoms that I could detect on my own and… well… pray for the best.” 

He ducked his head a little and looked up at her through his lashes. “There were a few times I thought…” His voice caught. “I thought I was going to lose you.”

Kathryn paused a moment. She was feeling groggy and woozy, which was making it difficult to think. Why didn’t he have the tricorder? Oh, yes… it was damaged in the plasma storm.

She tried to take stock of how she was feeling now. First, she felt very weak. Second, despite the fact that she had what looked to be every blanket that they had piled on top of her, she was cold, although that was probably because her hair was damp. She stopped, confused. “Chakotay, why is my hair wet?”

“I had to dunk you in the bathtub.”

“And that would be because….?”

“Your fever was so high, Kathryn. You were burning up. I didn’t know what was wrong with you so I was afraid to give you any medications. The only other way I know to bring down a fever is by putting the person in a tepid bath.”

Kathryn was well aware of that antiquated practice, but that didn’t make her feel any more comfortable with the idea of him stripping her down and bathing her. Also, since her hair was still wet, she had a feeling that he’d probably done it more than once. She raised the covers a bit to discover that she was wearing…

“My t-shirt. It was the easiest thing to… ahhh… change you out of…” His head dipped again, and he tugged on his ear. “I’m sorry, Kathryn. It was the only thing I could think to do.”

She lifted a weak hand to rest on his arm, “It’s alright, Chakotay. I understand.” She tried to swallow past the sandpaper in her throat. “Can I have some more water?”

He helped her sit back up, then held the cup to her mouth so she could drink some more. “Take it easy - I know you feel incredibly thirsty, but we need to move slowly with getting your digestive process going again.”

They talked - Chakotay talked while she listened - a bit longer, then Kathryn fell asleep again. She woke several times through the day and continuing night. Always, Chakotay was there, ready with something to drink or just to talk.

For the next several days, Chakotay never left her side, slowly nursing her back to health. Gradually, her waking times became longer and more frequent, and her strength began to return. 

Always an independent person, she chafed at needing his help. When she was finally able to get around on her own, she felt like throwing a party. Her stamina was taking longer to return, though, so she focused on the research of the local plants that she had thought about doing before she got sick. 

After studying the data, she concluded that the added element in the tomatoes didn't seem to make any difference to the nutritional benefits. It was a disappointment, but at least the tomatoes were safe to eat, and they could move forward with trying out some of the other seeds they had.

They discussed which seeds to plant next, ultimately deciding on the chamomile. Not only would it make a good tea, its other uses would be a good addition to the medicinal herbs list.  

In the meantime, she took slow walks in an ever-increasing circle around the shelter, gathering indigenous plants as she went. The circle gave her a grid pattern to work and the opportunity to exercise her body while keeping close to Chakotay in case she ran into trouble.

Chakotay… he was constantly on her mind. So tender… the way he took care of her… For the first time since she met him, she felt like she was actually  _ seeing _ him. She found herself watching his hands as they worked wood into beams and support walls during the day, then deftly etched detailed designs into stone in the evenings.

She watched his lips, full and supple, as he spoke to her. The deep dip in the upper one forming an almost heart shape. His laugh causing them to stretch wide, forcing dimples into his cheeks. 

Then there were his shoulders… broad and strong… his chest… well-muscled from years of boxing, and becoming more defined with the physical work he’d been doing on the shelter.

The warm honey brown of his skin was growing darker as it tanned in the sun. She wondered what it would look like set against her pale complexion. The contrast would be striking… and hard to resist.

_ He _ was hard to resist. 

She spent the time during her walks in search of edible plants to contemplate the feelings that were beginning to surface in her. The amount of time she’d spent watching him… the attraction that was making itself known. 

Did she  _ need _ him, or did she  _ want _ him? She couldn't separate the two ideas in her head. Was it  _ both _ , then? Did  _ he _ need  _ her _ ? It couldn't be one-sided. That much she knew. 

He’d laid his heart out to her that night when he told her his legend. She hadn't been ready to hear it, then, but now…

Ultimately, she realized that her feelings for him were more than  _ need _ or  _ want _ . Somewhere along the line, he had crept into her heart and taken up residence there. 

What's more, she realized that it had happened long before they'd arrived on this planet. Between her mission to get home and her loyalty to Mark, she’d suppressed what those feelings truly meant and forced them into the semblance of a deep friendship. 

But there was no Mark, now… no mission. Those feelings were allowed to come to the surface and grow… something they were doing by leaps and bounds now that she had admitted it to herself. 

_Telling_ _Chakotay_ was proving to be a daunting task. Talking about her feelings had never been easy for her. Justin had been as reticent as she, so most of their emotional communication had been through action instead of words. With Mark, he’d been the one to do the talking, the philosopher in him making expression of inner feelings akin to second nature. 

Albeit disguised as an ‘ancient legend’, Chakotay had already shared his feelings with her. It was her turn to open up. Every time she tried, her tongue tied up and the words got caught in her throat.

 

It was Chakotay that broke the stalemate.

Set up at the lab table with her computer, surrounded by plant samples, she beckoned him over. “I think I've finally figured out what that extra element in the soil is going to do.” 

Leaning one arm across the back of her work stool and resting the hand of the other next to her on the table, he leaned over her shoulder to look at the readouts on the screen. 

“It looks like it's going to take precedence over one of the main enzymes.” 

“I think it's going to change the flavor altogether, don't you?” She looked at him to read his face, then realized his was only inches from hers. 

Silence fell over the room, then…

“Kathryn… you have two seconds to back away before I kiss you.” 

Leaning in closer, she smiled. “Then you have  _ three _ before I kiss you  _ back _ .” 

Cupping her face, he smiled softly. “Sounds perfect to me…” His words whispered across her lips just before he captured her mouth in the gentlest of kisses. 

Releasing her all too soon, she cupped his face in return. “My turn…” Her kiss was not nearly so gentle, tongue moving across his lips to ask for entrance almost immediately. 

He readily complied, tongue meeting hers to begin a slow dance around each other. His arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her off the stool and against his body, while the fingers of his other hand threaded themselves into her hair. 

Both breathless when the kiss finally broke, they stayed wrapped in each other's arms. Their foreheads rested against each other while they gasped for air.

Somehow, she found her voice. “I guess some things really _ are _ worth waiting for.” 

Laughing softly, he lifted his head and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead on the spot where his had been resting. “Yes they are.” Pulling her closer to him, he tucked her head under his chin.

She clung to him, wrapped in the warmth of his arms, listening to his strong heartbeat as it worked to settle itself to a calmer rhythm. He was  _ Safe _ . She hadn't felt that since Justin died - had thought that feeling would never come again.  

“Kathryn...” She loved how he said her name, his barely-perceptible accent giving a slight roll to the end of it.

“Hmm?” She burrowed further into his warmth, unwilling to give up the  _ Safe _ that had been missing from her life for more than a decade.

His hand smoothed up her back and stole underneath her hair, coming to rest at the base of her neck and stroking gentle circles around the spot where the muscles always bunched up.

“Are you alright?”

“Mmm, hmm.”

“Really? You're acting as if you aren't.”

She sighed. He was worried. She had to give him an actual response. She lifted her head from his shoulder. “I  _ am _ fine, Chakotay. A little dizzy - that's all. That kiss was really...  _ intense _ .” 

The chuckle reverberated through his chest. “I have to agree with you on that part. For the other… do you need to sit back down?” 

Shaking her head, she laid it back down on his shoulder. “I'd rather you just hold me a moment longer.” 

“A moment… a lifetime… either way, the spot is yours Kathryn.”  

Snuggling back in, she smiled. That sounded fine to her. 

 

After dinner, they spent some time entertaining each other with stories of their childhoods. When Chakotay started to yawn, she ordered him to bed. 

“How is it that you're still ordering me around?”

Shrugging, she gently stroked his face. “Because you let me.” 

The look he gave her was filled with such tenderness and love, it nearly took her breath away. Leaning in, he gave her a light kiss. “Good night, Kathryn. May your dreams be as sweet as mine will be.” 

Still restless, she had no interest in lying down. She spent some time straightening up the shelter, doing the little things Chakotay hadn't had time to take care of while she was sick. Picking up her research was not appealing to her unsettled mood, and she ended up wandering outside to the edge of the clearing.  

The stars were slowly becoming familiar and she couldn't decide how she felt about it. Did it mean that she was becoming accustomed to their new home, or did it mean that she was forgetting about Earth?

There was movement behind her, and she felt Chakotay’s arm slip around her waist.

“Are you alright?” The concern in his voice made her smile.

“I'm fine - just couldn't sleep. I'm sorry I woke you. You need the rest.”

“So do you, Kathryn. You're still recovering. That illness took a lot out of you.” 

“It's time to start pushing myself a bit more. I need to be tired enough to sleep at night.” 

He brushed a stray lock of her hair out of her face. “You can make breakfast, then.”

“I don't know if that would be the safest thing - we both want to stay healthy, don't we?” Of course, there was another way she could relieve some of that restless energy, but it was too soon. They’d shared two kisses - three, if you counted the goodnight peck he’d given her. Jumping into bed with someone was  _ definitely _ not her style. 

Another kiss, however… turning toward him, she pulled his face down to her and brought their lips together. 

They were drowning in each other, but she could not let go. Instead, she pulled him closer to her until there was no air between them. Chakotay finally broke the kiss, dragging his mouth away from hers. 

She was lightheaded and a little weak-kneed. Was it from the kiss, or had she used up what energy she had to spare? 

“We need to get you back inside so you can sit down and warm up. Can you walk?”

The idea of him carrying her made her a little uncomfortable. “I think so. Just stay with me?”

“Forever, Kathryn. I won't let you go.” 

His words were soft, but their meaning sent chills through her and she shivered again. Rather than respond, she turned around to face the shelter, his arm still around her waist.

The distance to the shelter was not that great, but when she stumbled for the fourth time he stopped her. “This is ridiculous.” Without further warning, he bent and hoisted her up into his arms.

Typically, being carried was unsettling for her. But the weakness was getting worse - and he was  _ Safe _ . She laid her head back down on his shoulder and buried her face in his neck. He easily carried her into the shelter and back to her alcove, gently placing her on her bed. 

He disappeared for a moment and returned with his own blanket, which he wrapped around her shoulders. “Stay here. I'm going to replicate you some hot tea to help you warm up.”

Wrapping the blanket around her, reveling in his scent that rose from it, she leaned against the headboard he had made for her. When he returned, he handed her a mug and sat down facing her. 

“Drink this. It will warm you up and relax you so you can get to sleep.” 

Taking a sip, she smiled. “This is your mother's spiced tea blend. We're going to have to keep the replicator just so we can still have this.” 

“Once you have all the plants catalogued, I'll start working on an alternative.” 

Sighing, she took another sip. “It won't be the same.” A pang of homesickness swept through her. 

Smoothing a lock of hair behind her ear, he gently cupped her cheek. “Who knows? Maybe it will be better. Some things already are.” Proving his point, he leaned over and kissed her gently. 

“Mmm… perhaps you're right.” Setting down the mug, she smiled impishly. “Do that again.” 

Matching her grin, he kissed her again - this time not so softly. 

She almost changed her mind about moving too quickly. 


	3. Chapter 3

Her exhaustion, coupled with the tea - and the ‘happy dreams’ Chakotay had wished for her - made her sleep in. When she did finally get out of bed, she heard him moving around outside, the sounds of woodworking traveling through the open doorway. 

Replicating a cup of coffee, she headed out to see what he was working on. It was a chair. Loosely based on the Adirondack style, there was something that looked suspiciously like his pillow along the back.

“That's beautiful, Chakotay.” Leaning over, she gave him a small kiss on the cheek. 

A wide grin cratered the dimples in his cheeks. “Good morning, sleepyhead.” 

“Is it still morning? Well, at least I haven't lost the  _ whole _ day.” Leaning against the doorframe, she gestured toward the nearly-finished chair. “To what do I owe this luxury?” 

“As we sat chatting after dinner, I was thinking we needed something a little more comfortable than work stools. Even when you were sick, I had the option of the floor or the crate I ended up using. While you were sleeping, I did some research on furniture that was easy to make.” 

“And you're giving up your pillow for it?” 

“Absolutely not.” He grinned. “That's just a temporary addition. We're going to need to find something that will work on a more permanent basis.” 

“We should have brought an industrial replicator. I don't think our little one can handle something that size.” 

“Regardless, we need to find something  _ here _ that will work. Remember that whole ‘eliminating our dependence’ thing? I'm hoping this planet has something fluffy like cotton. If we're honest with ourselves, not even our mattresses are going to last our lifetimes.

“We're going to have to look for coffee, then.” She grinned back at him. “You don't want to see me without it.” 

Standing, he gathered her into his arms. “Why do you think I always saved my rations? Hell, there was talk amongst the crew of starting a pool.” 

She laughed, then kissed him. “I  _ knew _ you were a smart man.” Laying her head on his shoulder, she seriously considered never moving again.  _ Why the hell did I resist this? _

“After lunch, let's go exploring. We haven't really done anything like that since we got here.” 

That afternoon, they headed out in a direction neither of them had been before. Although she gathered a few samples of interesting plants, the majority of the time was spent laughing, kissing, and admiring the scenery. Kathryn decided to look on the positive side of their exile - at least the planet was beautiful. 

Coming across a meadow, they laid down in the grass to enjoy the sun. It wasn't long before they were in each other's arms, the kisses getting deeper by the minute.  As Chakotay’s lips found her neck, she felt another barrier drop.  

When his hand moved up her side, however, she grew nervous - then frustrated with herself. Intimacy between them was inevitable. Why couldn't she just give in to her feelings? She wanted him… he was  _ Safe _ . Still… opening herself up in that way was going to take some time. 

Moving out of his arms, she sat up. Mumbling an ‘I‘m sorry’ she stood and walked away. But when she reached the edge of the clearing, she realized she had no idea where she was or how to get back to the shelter. 

As she was looking around, trying to get her bearings, she felt Chakotay come up behind her.

“Kathryn?” 

“Chakotay, I'm so sorry. I…” She huffed a breath and turned to face him. “It's… complicated…” 

Grasping her hand, he gave it a gentle tug - an invitation to come into his arms, without being a requirement. She went readily, burying herself in his  _ Safe _ . 

Stroking her hair, he pressed his lips to the top of her head. “ _ Never _ apologize, Kathryn.” 

Why was she not surprised by his reaction? “Thank you.” Face still buried in his neck, her voice was muffled. “Now, can you take me home? I have no idea where we are.” 

Chakotay laughed heartily. “It's a good thing  _ one _ of us was paying attention.” Releasing her, he took her hand. “You know, not too long ago  _ you _ were the one leading the way home.”

“I wasn't leading - I was  _ directing _ . Tom was the one at the helm.” 

By the time they reached the shelter, she was exhausted again. Chakotay settled her into the new chair and disappeared inside to get her some water. She fell asleep before he returned. 

 

She had no idea how much later it was when he woke her. “You're going to be up half the night.” 

“Mmm… I guess you managed to tire me out.” 

He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again. The look of mischief that had been in his eyes morphed into discomfort. 

“What?” 

“Oh… nothing.” 

“Uh, uh. It was  _ something _ .” 

“I was going to say something, but then I realized how tacky it would be.” 

Now it was  _ she _ who was uncomfortable. He had been about to make a comment about tiring her out in a different way - much the same thing she had thought last night. 

“Chakotay… I need you to understand how difficult it is for me.” 

He backed off a little, the jealousy and frustration liberally laced through his voice. “You're still stuck on Mark, aren't you?” 

“What? No. He’s been out of my mind for a while - I wouldn't have started anything with you if he still had a place there.” 

Sitting down on one of the boulders that anchored the lightweight shelter, he tipped his head to the side. “You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to.” 

“Let's just say that long term relationships are not really my strong suit.” 

“Being engaged isn't a strong suit?” 

“Mark and I were engaged for three years - and we still hadn't set a date.” 

One eyebrow rose. “Cold feet? You don't strike me as the type.” 

“Give me a challenge on the bridge, a scientific mystery, or even a complicated math problem and I'll jump in with both feet without hesitation. But this…” She waved her hand between the two of them. 

Realization dawned on his eyes. “Who did you lose?” 

What was the point in hiding it? Even something Starfleet considered classified had no bearing here. “My first fiance… in the same accident that took my father's life… and almost mine.” 

This time, both eyebrows rose. “I thought your father was alone in that shuttle.” 

“You're _ supposed _ to think that -  _ everyone _ is supposed to. The  _ ‘shuttle' _ was an experimental craft developed specifically to fight the Cardassians. Justin couldn't be associated with it, so Starfleet re-wrote the truth to cover it all up.” 

“Why was Justin’s presence such a problem?” 

“Justin was a Ranger. His presence on the ship would have brought up suspicions about the nature of the craft. Public records indicate that I was driving a ground car when we got the news about my father, and that the shock caused me to lose control and crash.” 

“And Justin died in  _ that _ crash.” 

“It also explained my injuries - which were extensive. I nearly died, too. To be honest, I'm not really sure what made me fight to survive.” 

He took her hand and held it gently. “Because you're not the type to give up, Kathryn.” 

“You're right, in a sense, but making a transporter out of spare parts is not the same as choosing  _ who _ to transport.” 

Although a question appeared in his eyes, to her relief, he did not ask it. 

“Look, Chakotay, what's happening between us will inevitably move in the direction we  _ both _ want it to go. Unfortunately, the attitude of what is nearly a lifetime will not disappear overnight. Even before Justin, opening myself up to that level of intimacy… it… takes time.” 

Squeezing the hand he was still holding, he stood, pulling her up with him. “Then we take it one day at a time. At whatever pace you need. Deal?” 

“Deal.” 

“Good. Now come inside so I can feed you.” 

Trying her best to keep the conversation light, she still caught him watching her while they ate. As much as she didn't like thinking about her past - didn't want to even remember the parts she had just told him - she knew it was important for him to know. Eventually, the rest would come out, but dredging up those memories and feelings was not going to happen overnight.  

Chakotay finally broke the silence. “Justin taught you self defense, didn't he?” 

“Yes… he and his team did. How did you know?” 

“I could tell you’d had special training, but I always assumed it was Tuvok who’d taught you. He always used you as a model in defense drills. I'm guessing he knows your history?” 

“He knows I had the opportunity to train with Rangers, but he doesn't know  _ why _ . He and I have been friends for many years, but everything about my relationship with Justin is classified. How we met… who he was… how he died...” 

“How you  _ met _ ? Why would that be classified?” 

She shook her head. “Uh, uh… that's a story for another day.” Not only had she reached her emotional limit for the day, the story of how she and Justin had met would be more than difficult for Chakotay to hear. Having lost his family, his tribe, and his planet to the Cardassians, the story of her capture and abuse at their hands would possibly send him into a tailspin. 

 

Ugly hands gripped her… crushing blows… tearing and ripping at her most tender parts… pain… fear… she couldn't move… couldn't get away… the dreadful screams of Admiral Paris echoed in her ears… 

She woke screaming, wrapped tight and unable to move. After a moment spent struggling to get away, she finally realized that what was holding her was Chakotay's arms. Somehow, he’d been able to trap her and was holding her tight to his chest, whispering comforting words in her ear. 

“Chakotay…” She choked.

His hold loosened until she was gently cradled in his arms. Grabbing fistfuls of his tunic, she hid her face in his chest and began to sob. Gently stroking her back, he continued to whisper in her ear. When he switched to words she recognized but didn't know, she realized she had been here before - standing in sickbay while he held her, whispering words in her ear to calm her. 

As her tears eased and her mind calmed, she began listening to the words. They had a steady, even rhythm, like a poem or a song. Pulling away from him, she wiped her eyes.

“What is that?” 

“What?” 

“What you were saying. What is it? And what language is it?” 

“It's Mayan - my mother's language. It's a lullaby she used to sing to me. It worked once before for you, so I thought I'd try it, again.” 

“It's beautiful.” She wiped at her eyes again. Not knowing what to say, she went for the obvious. “I guess I woke you up.” 

“You did, but it's alright. Working on a Maquis ship makes nightmares a regular occurrence. I'm pretty sure, though, that you could give B’Elanna a run for her money.”

“We could never find out what happened after she left the Academy. She just disappeared. So, what happened? What does she dream about?” 

“Uh, uh. Not when you've just woken up from your own. We'll share war stories some other time.” 

Realizing that he was right, she let the subject drop. “How about a cup of coffee, then?”

“I think tea would be a better idea at this hour.” 

“Oh, I have no intention of going back to sleep, Chakotay. That lovely chair of yours and I are going to get better acquainted.” 

“It's the middle of the night. You need your rest.” 

She huffed a sigh. “Rest I'm _ not _ going to get tonight. Once those dreams are here, they're  _ here _ . There's no relief from them except for another day's work. If  _ you _ want any rest, you'll leave me out front with my coffee and go back to bed.” 

He didn't argue with her when they reached the replicator and she ordered a coffee. Instead, he ordered himself a tea and followed her outside. 

Settling down on the boulder, he tipped his head in thought. “You know, I really need to get back to making the matching chair.” 

“You might as well build a porch while you're at it.” 

“Adding items to my to-do list?” He grinned at her. “It may be spring right now, but the weather is eventually going to turn colder. I need to get the shelter insulated before it comes.” 

“Not to mention the reinforcements against any further plasma storms.” 

“Exactly. It might be a good idea to make up a calendar for this place, too. The cycles may be relatively close to Earth's, but they're not exact. There might even be a pattern to the plasma storms.” 

She grinned back at him. “Adding things to  _ my _ to do list, now?” 

Tugging his ear, he gave her a sheepish look. “Well, it’s not really my forte, is it?” 

“It already _ was _ on my list, Chakotay. In fact, I was thinking of taking a break from studying the plants. I've picked up pretty much everything in the general vicinity.” 

“In that case, I want to take you out tomorrow.” 

Her signature lopsided grin appeared. “Asking me out on a  _ date _ , Chakotay?” 

“If you want to call it that… I want to show you something I came across when I was out looking for cushion material. We can pack a picnic lunch and really make the day of it.” 

“Just two minutes ago, we were talking about our long to do lists, and you want to take a day off?” 

“Everyone needs a day off, now and then. Plan to leave around ten.” 

“Yes,  _ sir _ . Now, get back to bed.  _ One _ of us needs to be at the top of their game tomorrow.” 

“I wish you would go to bed, too.” 

“No such luck. I'll be fine.” 

He kissed her lightly and headed inside. 

 

The first thing she was aware of was that she was deliciously warm - not just from the blanket over her, but from the mattress below. Next came the realization that the ‘mattress' was moving. Chakotay. Opening her eyes, she discovered that they were still outside the shelter. He was sitting in the chair with her curled up in his lap, his blanket covering both of them. 

Sighing, she burrowed her face back into his warmth. He stirred and his arms came around her more tightly. 

“Hey.”

“Hey.” 

“How did we end up here?” 

“You fell asleep in the chair and started mumbling. I let it go for a while, but I couldn't bear to listen to you any more. When I got out here, I found you wandering around the clearing, stomping your foot if you stood still for more than a minute. I was afraid you would end up disappearing into the woods.” 

“I don't remember waking up.”

“You didn't, really - and I didn't try. It's not a good idea to wake someone when they're sleepwalking. When I called your name, you seemed to hear me, and then leaned into me when I touched your arm. I didn't want to leave you alone again, but wasn't sure how you would react to waking up in bed together.” 

“Instead, you grabbed a blanket and stayed out here with me… Thank you.” 

“My pleasure, Kathryn. Honestly, any way I can have you in my arms is fine with me.” 

Being in his arms was fine with her, too. In fact,  _ waking up _ in his arms was… wonderful. But there was still the issue of the dreams. “I can't believe I had  _ both _ dreams in one night. Usually, it's one or the other.” 

“I  _ thought _ it might be something else. It just…  _ seemed _ different. Are you alright?”

“As alright as I can be after an adventurous night.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Yes and no. I'm afraid you'll get too upset.” 

“Maquis ship - remember? There's very little I haven't heard.” 

“Really? Tell me… how did you feel when you heard B’Elanna’s story? She's a close friend, isn't she?” 

He leveled a searching gaze on her. “B’Elanna's story is harrowing, to say the least. I was - still am - angry… furious… that someone could act that way.” 

“So you went out and found another battle to fight. But there are no battles here - no one but me to fight with.” She huffed a sigh. “Let that one go, Chakotay. If you can promise me that, I'll tell you about the other one.” 

He continued to study her face, then finally sighed. “I'll promise to let it go - for now. But I reserve the right to ask again if that dream gets any worse.”

“Fair enough…’ She huffed a breath. “Alright… the sleepwalking has to do with the crash that killed my father and Justin. As far as the counselors know, it's a jumble that doesn't make any sense. There's an iceberg that's very important, although I don't know  _ why _ . I have a task I'm trying desperately to complete, but between my injuries, the shock, and the hypothermia I keep nearly passing out. My leg is broken, so I stomp my foot to shock me back into consciousness.”

He cringed. “Ouch. But why did you say ‘as far as the counselors know’? What don't they know?” 

She sighed deeply. “What they don't know is the truth… what  _ really _ happened on that moon.” 

“Why am I not surprised that you lied?” 

“Oh, I wasn't lying. That damn iceberg haunted my dreams for more than a decade. No… it was only recently that it cleared up and showed me the truth.” 

“Which is…?” 

“That iceberg was the ship, slowly sinking into the ice. I built a transporter out of the parts that had blown off the shuttle when it crashed - I really  _ was _ stomping my foot to keep myself conscious while I built it.” 

“I guess it ended up not working.” 

Her head dropped back to his shoulder and her voice got small - almost as if speaking under her breath. “It worked… but it only had enough power to transport one person. I passed out while trying to decide which one.” 

His only response was to hold her closer.

“That's really all I remember, though. Starfleet's theory is that I was beamed out of the ship as it was crashing, and that I materialized in the air because they didn't have time to make the proper calculations. One tree was missing most of its branches down one side, and there was a big dent in the snow below it.” 

“Honestly, I'm surprised you were able to stay conscious at all after crashing down an entire tree. How badly injured were you?” 

“Multiple broken bones… concussion… severe hypothermia. I even had some kind of smaller branch rammed through my stomach.” 

He gasped. “You weren't kidding when you said you almost died. I'd say it's a miracle that you're even _ alive _ .” 

“Mom said I was like a cat with nine lives - and that I'd used up quite a few of them.” 

“I'd have to agree with her.” 

The memories of all that snow and ice gave her a chill. Burrowing deeper into him, she pulled the blanket up to her chin. “Do you mind if we postpone our ‘date'? It's been a rough night and I think I'm too tired to go out hiking.” 

“Of course. Truth be told, I'm a little tired, too. We'll work on some little things today and pick up full activities tomorrow.” 

“Is it alright if we stay here for a little longer?” 

“Always, Kathryn…  _ always _ .” 


	4. Chapter 4

The night after her nightmares, they were visited by another plasma storm. The damage to the shelter was such that repairs could not be postponed. 

The delay was further hampered by Chakotay's insistence that she refrain from some of the more taxing work. Although she had regained almost all of her strength, he was still overly concerned that she would somehow relapse. 

She tried to be as understanding as possible. Not only had he experienced the fear of her death, he had also been faced with the prospect of being left  _ entirely alone _ on the planet for eternity.  To her, the mere concept of being there without another person - let alone  _ him _ \- was nearly more than she could stand.

The problem was that she  _ needed _ to be as active as possible. The major damage to the shelter had been when a tree crashed into the wall of her sleeping alcove. Although not injured, she’d woken up from a dream about her abduction by the Cardassians to find herself trapped in much the same position as the cell they’d kept her in. 

By the time Chakotay reached her, she was in a full blown flashback. Were it not for his boxer's reflexes, she would probably have killed him, lashing out at the Cardassian her flashback told her he was. 

Unfortunately, the flashback had forced her to share with him the story of her abduction and abuse at the hands of the race that had destroyed his family and his planet. She hesitated when she reached the part where she would have to reveal the nature of the assault, but the stormy look in his eyes told her that he’d already guessed. 

She’d been right about his reaction. Fury-fueled adrenaline made the cleanup go more quickly than expected. A chorus of angry growls heralded the news that the fallen tree had such soft wood it would be useless toward repairing and strengthening the shelter. Shortly after that discovery, she heard him chopping down another tree, grunting and roaring loudly in time as each blow landed against the wood. 

Because the fallen tree had all but destroyed the exterior wall, Chakotay chose to replace it entirely instead of simply shoring it up. As much sense as it made, she couldn't help but think that his decision wasn't at least in part because he wanted to avoid the chance of a repeat flashback. 

Nightmares, as usual after her flashbacks, gripped her sleeping hours. More than once, she’d woken in Chakotay's arms as he whispered his mother's lullaby in her ear. 

Ironically, all that exposing of her demons and leaning on him as she battled them in her sleep also led her to a deeper trust of him. His essence… his  _ Safe _ … reverberated through her being…  _ her _ essence. 

By the time the repairs and rebuilding were completed, she felt closer to him than she ever had to anyone - including Justin. It had been a very long time since she’d felt anything like it, but the added depth was palpable. Justin had guarded and protected her soul… Chakotay had become a  _ part _ of it. 

A little over a week after they had planned it, armed with plenty of water and a picnic lunch, they finally set out on their ‘date'. Despite her hounding him to reveal his surprise, he remained steadfast, teasing her about her childish impatience. When he headed toward a dark cave, though, she stopped. 

“All you wanted to show me was a  _ cave _ ? I'm all for exploring, but eating a picnic in a dark, wet cave is definitely not on my list of fun things to do.” 

The dimples appeared. “Just trust me, Kathryn. Looks can be deceiving.” 

She laughed at him. “Oh, I trust you with my life - and everything that goes with it. What I  _ don't _ trust is your desire for mischief.” 

There was a flicker of curiosity at her words, but he simply gripped her hand and tugged it forward. “Mischief is not part of this adventure. Come on.” 

The moment she stepped into the cave, she realized that it only looked dark because of the sunlight outside. There seemed to be some kind of light source coming from the other end of the tunnel, lending a soft glow as they moved through it. After about 10 or 15 meters and a loose S-curve, it opened out into a meadow. Lush with green grasses and fully hidden from the outside world by a wall of rock, it also held a small sandy bottomed pond. 

“This is amazing, Chakotay.” 

“Is it alright to eat your picnic here?” His eyes twinkled at her. 

She grinned at him. “Definitely… but it's not time for lunch, yet. Let's take a look around.” 

They wandered around the edge of the meadow, studying the rocks that lined it. After a great deal of speculation, they agreed that it was probably an ancient caldera. Based on the deep slope that led to the cave, it had probably been slowly absorbed into the surrounding land, disguising its mountainous past. 

By the time they were finished, it was time to dig into the picnic basket. 

“I really need to get back to the garden. Good as these sandwiches are, they're replicated. I want our next picnic to be fully fresh food, grown here.” 

“I don't think I ever expected you to be looking forward to  _ growing _ your own food.” 

“And  _ I _ never expected to be interested in doing it. Circumstances change… you have to change with them if you want to survive. Just like when I switched to Command instead of science. I was forced to change because of my experiences. Now, I change again - or die.” 

“That's kind of morbid, Kathryn.” 

“It's the truth, though. My circumstances are different, so I take the science that I know and apply it to ensuring my survival.  _ You _ use the building and nature skills you learned as a youth to ensure you survive.” 

“Together, we'll survive whatever comes our way.” 

“Exactly…” She gave him an impish grin and laid down. “Now, I need to  _ survive _ a nap in this beautiful place.” Still tired from the nightmares that disrupted her sleep, she soon dozed off. 

 

Strong arms enveloped her… a steady heartbeat thrummed in her ear… a comforting shoulder cradled her head… and the most welcome scent filled her nostrils.

They were on their sides, facing each other, with Chakotay's shoulder providing a soft spot to rest her head.  _ That's perfect as a metaphor for how I feel about him. _ She thought to herself as she sighed. Luxuriating in the essence of him surrounding her, she remained still so as not to break the bubble around them. Ultimately, though, she gave in to her desire to touch him. 

Pivoting her head up, she rained small kisses on his collarbone and up his neck. Her hand stole up his chest, bringing her fingers up to thread through his hair and wrap around the base of his neck. It was only when she sucked his earlobe into her mouth that he woke up - gasping. 

Letting his lobe glide gently out through her teeth, she ran the tip of her tongue across the edge of his ear, then let him go. Leaning back to look at his face, she gave him a mock-innocent smile.

Cupping her cheek, he let his fingers slide down her jawline and tipped her face up to meet his. The look of love shining in his eyes took her breath away. Capturing her lips with his, he gave her a kiss so intense, she moaned. 

Unbidden, her leg came up to wrap over his hip and pull him closer to her. His tongue found its way down her neck and across her collarbone, then dipped down between her breasts where her shirt exposed her cleavage. A quick intake of breath heralded his hand stealing underneath the edge of her shirt. 

The feel of his fingers caressing her bare skin brought another small moan. Rolling her to her back, Chakotay began to unbutton her blouse, kissing and licking each piece of flesh as it was exposed. 

He helped her pull his shirt off over his head so she could caress the bronzed skin of his chest. She helped him slip her blouse off her shoulders and down her arms - her bra soon to follow. 

His tongue flicked out to tease against one ruby red nipple - already knotted with desire. The leg over his hip pulled him even closer, her hips grinding against him while he groaned against her breast. 

Letting go of her breast, he gasped when her hand reached between them to stroke his swelling penis through his trousers. Silently shaking his head, he pulled her hand away from him. Bringing it up to his lips, he laid a kiss on her wrist, then sent a trail of them up her arm as he wrapped it around him. 

The tranquility of the space seeping into their bones, they made love slowly and tenderly… an exploration of each other's bodies that served to merge them long before they were physically joined. Sighing as he slid slowly into her, she wrapped her legs around his hips. The sense of completion… the missing puzzle piece finally coming home… For the first time in her life, she was whole. 

Rolling waves heralded their shared release. They rode them together, as she knew they would with anything life handed them. Sated, they fell back to sleep, wrapped in each other's arms. 

They woke in the late afternoon and made love again. Kathryn turned the tables on him this time, rolling Chakotay to his back and straddling him. Between the tranquility in her bones, and the feeling of freedom at being the only two people on the whole planet in her spirit, her passion was set free. She rode him like the wind… long hair flowing over her shoulders… breasts bobbing with her movements… pale skin glowing in the late sun… The look of passion to match hers shining in Chakotay's eyes spurred her on until she came - the rigors of her release pulling him over the edge after her. 

Collapsing onto his chest, she heaved great gulps of air to catch her breath and calm her body. He kept her there until they had both regained their senses, then rolled them to their sides and cradled her in his arms. 

Neither had spoken a word since they woke the first time - their only form of communication through touch. When their breathing had completely calmed and their bodies relaxed into the languor of sated bliss, he broke the silence. 

“Now  _ that _ was something worth waiting for.” He said quietly. 

She chuckled, draping her leg back over his hip and letting her fingers caress their way around his buttocks and up his chest. “Did I forget to mention that you would be well rewarded for your patience?”  Her thumb ran over his nipple, leading the way for her tongue to tease across it. 

It was his turn to chuckle as he caught her hand and wrapped it back around him. “It's probably better that you didn't. I don't know how much  _ patience _ I would have been able to maintain.” He cupped her cheek and gave her a deep kiss. 

“Perhaps if you had mentioned just what was in store for  _ me _ , we wouldn't have had to wait quite so long.” 

He laughed outright. “Let's just say ‘the best things in life are worth waiting for’ and leave it at that.” 

“You've got a deal.” She grinned back at him. “Do I have to  _ wait _ for a chance to wash off in the pond?” 

Shaking his head, he let her go so she could sit up. “That's my Kathryn - always looking for a bath.” 

“Not necessarily… I'd go for a water shower. What I'm  _ not _ doing is taking a  _ sonic _ shower. It's the one technological thing I was never fond of.” Standing, she held her hand out to him. “Let's go.” 

Shadowed from the sun by the rock walls, the water in the pond was colder than she expected. Chakotay managed to warm her by pulling her back into his chest, teasing her as he rinsed her body of sweat and their combined juices. By the time he was finished, she was panting. 

He lifted her from the water and sat her on the edge, then placed her feet on his shoulders. She let her knees fall to the side, opening herself to him as he made love to her with his mouth. As the waves receded for the third time that day, she realized he’d branded her with his essence. She would never be the same again. 

Hand in hand, they wandered back to the shelter, the sky somehow bluer… the air somehow clearer. They found her little primate friend rummaging through the shelter’s small kitchen, and laughed as it scampered away with a replicated apple slice in each hand. 

After dinner, Chakotay laid out a blanket on the clearing in front of the shelter. They laid together and watched the stars come out, marking out constellations and making up stories about them. More passionate and less gentle, the new lovers melded their bodies a third time… the stars the only witnesses to their joining and release.

Once more sated, the warm spring night enveloping them, they fell asleep in each other's arms. 


	5. Chapter 5

Kathryn woke early and slipped out of bed, doing her best not to wake Chakotay in the process. Today was the day to have the conversation she’d been putting off for more than a week, and she needed time to prepare herself. Allowing herself the luxury of replicating a cup of his mother's tea, she settled into the plush couch Chakotay had made for her. 

She cradled the mug in her hands, letting the warmth from the tea inside seep through the porcelain and into her fingers. For the past few days, the morning and evening temperatures had been lower than previous weeks, and her tentative calendar of seasons seemed to line up with the idea that fall had begun. 

Of course, she could take a temperature reading with the tricorder, but she’d decided to limit their use of any of the tech items they had brought. Learning the ways of the planet without those items was just as necessary as eliminating use of the replicator - any of them could just as easily be destroyed as the medical tricorder. Besides… working the soil of her garden and consuming the things she grew and gathered had fostered a need to  _ know _ what was now her home planet. 

Although he fully agreed with her, Chakotay liked to tease her about ‘going native’. Truth be told, she was somewhat surprised with herself. Much as she had insisted that she change with her circumstances, she’d never expected something as profound and all-encompassing as what happened within her. A great deal of it was Chakotay's influence. He had easily slid into the simple lifestyle here. As she accepted him into her heart, a love for that lifestyle came with it. 

She smiled to herself as she thought of the first time they’d made love. After all the angst and fear that had led to the event, the actual coming together had been simple and sweet. Since then, they’d grown closer than she ever thought possible, working hard during the day, then spending quiet time talking in the evening.

Developing the calendar led them to following a routine of days off from the constant work. Exploring their home took precedence on those days. The beauty of the planet and the privacy of being the only two people on it led to frequent bouts of lovemaking in all sorts of settings - tall-grassed meadows… sandy beaches… the small rowboat he had made to explore the river (that one had been a tricky adventure). 

She’d even surprised him once when he was working on the roof - appearing fully naked and teasing him until he’d laid her over the ridge and taken her from behind. In all that time, the only witnesses to their adventures were the flora and small fauna of their own private paradise. 

In truth, despite the frequency of their lovemaking, it rarely happened in their bed - which Chakotay had made by combining the pieces of their separate ones into one whole unit. The days of hard work usually led to them falling asleep quickly, wrapped in each other's arms. 

Wrapped in the  _ Safe _ that was Chakotay's arms, she found respite from the memories of the past. Her nightmares had all but ceased - they both slept better than they ever had. 

Paradise wasn't utopia, though. Chakotay had been relegated to the couch a few times… she had stalked off into the woods. Always, they came back together, allowing themselves the time and space to eventually calm down and communicate rationally. Although, she had to admit, accepting that she couldn't  _ always _ be right had been a steep learning curve for her.

She set down her empty teacup and forced herself to focus on the reason she was avoiding the caffeinated beverage that had replaced her coffee - which was the topic of the impending conversation. She didn't quite know how she felt about it at all. On the one hand, it was dangerous - especially for her. On the other… well… it was a beautiful prospect. Her stomach attempted to take up home somewhere in her chest and she had to force it down - living here in a solitary paradise had its drawbacks and she didn't know how it would affect… 

“Good morning, sunshine.” Chakotay appeared behind her and laid a small kiss on the top of her head. “I hope you haven't been up too long.” 

She smiled softly. “Not long… I've just been sitting here thinking.” She took a steadying breath. “Actually, I want - need - to talk to you about something.” 

“That makes two of us. Let me get some tea and we'll take turns. Maybe we should do it over breakfast? You're looking a little peaked.” 

The mere thought of food sent her wayward stomach on another journey. “Let’s just talk for now.” 

“Then just give me a minute for my tea.” Unlike her splurge on a replicated beverage, he put a pot on to boil and poured the scalding water over the blend of herbs he had developed. Giving it some time to steep, he brought the teapot and mug with him to the sofa and sat down next to her. 

“You first.” They said it in unison, each of them seemingly hesitant to start their side of the conversation. 

“Have you noticed that I _ usually _ start? It’s your turn, Kathryn. What do you want to say?” 

A question would get the ball rolling, she decided. “How long do you think it's been since I was sick?” 

He frowned in thought. “It was spring at the time, and now it's turning into fall, so I guess about three or four months. Why? Are you feeling sick again?” 

“No… well… not necessarily. I just…” 

*Voyager to Captain Janeway, do you read?* 

Shocked, they stared at each other. 

*Tuvok to Captain Janeway…* 

Neither of them could move. She wasn't even sure where they had left their communicators. 

*Voyager to Commander Chakotay… do you read?* 

Chakotay wandered in a daze over to the cabinet and reached on top to retrieve the two forgotten badges, dusty with disuse, and brought them over to her.

*This is Tuvok calling Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay. Please respond.*  

She could hear the miniscule touch of worry in the Vulcan’s voice. Eyes still glued on Chakotay, she picked up the badge and tapped it on.  

“This is Janeway.” Could he catch the hesitation in her voice? 

*Captain, it is good to hear your voice. We have news.* 

Her wayward stomach began to revolt. “What is it?” 

*We have medicine which we believe will effectively treat your condition. We plan to be in orbit within thirty hours.* 

“Then I guess we will see you, then. Janeway out.” Tapping the badge off, she watched her hand place it back on the table through tear-blurred eyes. 

“Kathryn…” 

“Don't.” She choked out, then ran blindly out the door. 

 

It was late afternoon when she returned, rumpled hair and tear-streaked face on full display. She hadn't even tried to wash her face or smooth her hair down with water from the river - where she had been since she blindly raced out of their house. Their  _ home _ … she almost choked, another crying jag imminent, but managed to push it back. 

“Chakotay.” There was no answer. No doubt, he had also fled to a place of solitude. She could only hope that he had come to the same conclusion as she had. Forcing herself to eat, she tried to sit and wait for him to return. Restless, she began wandering through the house, making a mental list of what to take, and what to leave behind. 

Darkness had fully fallen when he finally slumped through the doorway. By then, she’d begun to actually move things into ‘leave behind’ and ‘take with’ piles. 

“Well, I guess  _ that _ option is off the table.” He was grumbling. 

“What option?” 

“Staying here… saying ‘thank you very much but we are happy in the life we have built for ourselves’. We  _ could _ do that, Kathryn. Voyager survived over six months without us… they can survive the entire journey.” 

“They could…” She spoke carefully, trying not to make this conversation an ugly fight. If he had seriously considered this - something that hadn't even crossed her mind - they were much further apart than she had hoped. “...but I want to get home… back to  _ real _ Earth… back to my family.” 

“I know, Kathryn. I had hoped that… forget it…” 

“No, I'm not going to ‘forget it’. We need to say  _ everything _ to each other right now.” 

Anger and hurt were in his eyes as he met hers. “Very well… I  _ have _ no family to go home to, and had hoped that  _ I _ would be enough  _ family _ for you.” 

“Chakotay…” 

“ _ Forget it _ , Kathryn. I know what you want… what you're going to do. You're the Captain. I have no say in the decisions you make.” 

Tears sprang to her eyes and she clapped her hand over her face as she choked out a sob. He was right, of course. Although either of them could make the choice she’d made,  _ she _ would still have had the option to argue with him.  _ He _ did not. She was the Captain, and she would shut him down. 

“Chakotay… I… you have to understand… I can't be in a relationship with you and try to lead an entire ship. I'm going to have to send you out on dangerous away missions. I can't do my job effectively if I'm worried about you as my lover.” 

“In a relationship or not, those feelings still exist… or  _ do _ they?” 

“Of  _ course _ they exist! I  _ love _ you! That won't change!” 

“But denying yourself - and  _ me _ \- the freedom to express those feelings will somehow make it easier for you? Don't fool yourself, Kathryn -  _ Captain _ \- it won't be easier.” 

He turned and stalked off into the bedroom -  _ their _ bedroom. She slumped onto the couch that he had so lovingly made for her. Why did she always get saddled with the no-win decisions? But Chakotay was still with her… still  _ alive _ . If she could manage to get them home quickly, there was still a chance for them to be together. 

Restless with grief, she returned to puttering around, placing items in the ever-growing piles. When he didn't appear for dinner, she replicated a light meal and ate by herself. Bedtime came around and he still had not appeared. As had been their pattern, she gave him his space, settling down to sleep on the sofa. 

After tossing and turning for a while, she heard him come out. His voice was gruff and angry, the message simple. “Move to the bed. I'm going out.” With that, he disappeared through the doorway, shutting the door hard. 

Sleep never truly came to her. Wrapped up in the bed -  _ their _ bed - drowning in the scent that was him, she cried. Although she heard his return in the early dawn, he did not reappear in the bedroom. 

She had hoped they could spend one last night together in each other's arms, but it was not to be. This was it… Voyager would be here soon, and there was no resolution between them. The tears continued to fall silently. 

 

Morning came and she washed the tears off her face. It was time for the Captain’s mask to reappear. Managing to find her dusty uniform in the bottom of the crate that held the broken tricorder, she discovered that the six months of hiking and physical work had changed her shape enough that the uniform no longer fit her properly. It was better to start fresh anyway, she decided. 

Emerging from the bedroom, she discovered him also dressed in a new uniform, the old familiar outfit highlighting similar changes to his physique. Good ones… he looked delicious. She almost moved towards him, wanting to wrap her arms around his neck and pull him in for the kiss that would make everything alright again. 

The angry look in his eyes stopped her. “Good morning,  _ Captain _ .” 

She felt like she’d been punched in the gut. “Good morning,  _ Commander _ .” Her attempt at matching his tone only made her feel worse. “Have they contacted us with an ETA?” 

“I just finished speaking to Tuvok. He says they should be in orbit in a couple of hours. They'll send down the antidote for us to administer to ourselves, then it's supposed to take a little more than an hour to see if it's working.” 

So, at least three more hours on this planet, heartbroken and stuck with an angry Chakotay. 

Although she was craving coffee, she still ordered tea from the replicator. The Doctor would tell her in a few hours whether or not she could return to her beloved beverage. 

Chakotay noticed. “Already returning to life on board, I see?” 

“I'm trying to accept that this beautiful life I've known for the past six months is disappearing.  I'm not going to be able to spend the time steeping a pot of Kay tea.” Hoping to get a smile from him, she specifically said the name for her caffeinated beverage - named by him so that it would sound out as Katie. 

No luck. “Hmph… You never liked it, anyway. You haven't had any for over a week.” 

She’d officially reached the end of her ability to deal with this sullen, angry Chakotay. The mug hit the table. “Look, Chakotay, I need you to understand…” 

He turned on her, fury in his eyes. “Oh,  _ I _ have to understand? Why is it always  _ me _ listening to your ideas and bowing to your whims? It's _ your _ turn, Kathryn.  _ Understand _ that I have no desire to go back to the way things were.  _ Understand _ that you are giving away something beautiful for no good reason.  _ Understand _ that I realize now that you never  _ truly _ cared for me. You  _ used _ me… I was literally the  _ only _ man on the planet, and you needed someone to fuck just to make it through the rest of your life stuck here.” 

“Someone to  _ fuck _ ? If I just wanted that, I surely wouldn't have gone through everything I did in order to make it into your arms. I told you  _ everything _ , Chakotay.  _ Everything _ . You know more about me than anyone else in the  _ universe _ ! The counselors… Admiral Paris… not even my own  _ mother _ knows what I dream about - what  _ truly _ happened to me.  _ Understand _ that I gave you my  _ heart _ when I gave you my  _ secrets _ .” 

She turned and started to pace. “Look at us… This is  _ exactly  _ why I made the decision I made. We can't even be housemates right now. What the hell is going to happen on the bridge?” 

“We could have made it work, Kathryn. We could keep our personal lives separate from the bridge. It just takes a little effort.” 

“Effort? What happens when I kick you to the couch like I did last week? The next day I send you on an away mission with… Neelix. Am I being vindictive, or am I being the Captain? I can't honestly say right now which would be true. What if I stormed out of our cabin in the middle of the night? The gossip would be all over the ship in a nanosecond - now the crew is so distracted by their commanding officers’ relationship, they're not focused on their jobs.” 

“Gossip runs rampant on that ship, no matter  _ who’s _ relationship it is.” 

“But I'm _ also _ distracted, wondering what they think of me putting you and Neelix on a shuttle together the day after I stormed out.” 

“You're never distracted, Kathryn. I've seen you juggle more things at the same time than I thought possible.” 

“My mind? You're right - give me a hundred things to keep track of and I can bundle them up into nice little balls and perform a juggling act like no other. My  _ heart _ is a different matter - I can't multitask my heart. It has tunnel vision… it can only see one thing, and that  _ one thing _ is  _ you _ . I thought Justin was the love of my life… Mark only ever sat in front, blocking my view of him. But  _ you _ … you threw them both out… gone into the fog of history…” 

She stopped pacing to look him in the eyes. “When I step onto that bridge, I leave my heart - my  _ soul _ \- behind. It's the only way I can function and do my job properly. It's the only way I can send people off to imminent death and keep my focus on the end result of my decision. Having you in my bed  _ and _ on the bridge blurs the lines. I can  _ love _ you, but I can't be  _ with _ you. Not, and do my job effectively.” 

Despite the uniform that usually bolstered her defenses, the tears came… flowing down her cheeks in a never-ending waterfall. With a sob, she turned and ran out of the house - their _ home _ . Why did she keep reminding herself? It was like a dagger to her heart each time she did it. Perhaps this was to be her punishment. 

Blindly, she ran - tears streaking the makeup she had so carefully applied to cover her tear-swollen face… branches ripping and pulling out the bun she had so carefully wrapped up on top of her head to keep her thoughts controlled.  

Finally coming to a stop, she looked around to see where she was. They had explored too much of the planet for her to ever get lost like she had that first time. 

She choked when she saw the entrance to the cave… the one that led to the meadow -  _ their _ meadow. She hadn't wanted to come here - had avoided it at all costs yesterday. The memories, once sweet but now agonizingly painful, too strong to face. After their first time together, the meadow had become their ‘loving place’. They’d spent long hours here… talking… making love… swimming naked in the small lake. A few times they had slept the night here, waking up to make love again under the light of the twin moons.

In a daze, she wandered through the cave and out into the meadow. An air of anticipation hung about the place, as if it was waiting for them… for their happiness… their love to fill it. Meandering over to the lake, she discovered a small, flat rock that had been placed in front of it. As she moved closer, she realized there was something placed on the rock. 

Two rings laid there, almost as an offering. Both beautifully crafted of what looked like wood, one band was slightly larger in size and width than the other. The smaller one had a blue stone with multicolored streaks embedded in the wood. 

“To match your eyes.” Chakotay's soft voice came from almost directly behind her. 

“They're beautiful, Chakotay.” 

He sat down next to her and wrapped his arm around her waist. “I found a piece of what seems to be petrified wood several weeks ago. The stone is from the river - it made me think of your eyes.” 

“ _ This _ is what you wanted to talk to me about yesterday morning.” Grateful that he had calmed down, she laid her head on his shoulder. 

“Yes…” There was silence for a moment, then he huffed a sigh. “I get it, Kathryn. I understand why you're doing what you're doing. I can't say I completely agree with you, but I can… honor it.” 

“And, do you  _ also _ understand that if there was any way I thought I could make it work, I would? I don't want to be apart from you. Knowing how it feels to be in your arms, I don't want to sleep alone.” The tears began again, slowly sliding down her face. 

Gently wiping the tears from her face, he cupped her cheek. “Please don't cry, Kathryn. I can't bear to see it.” 

“Realize that you won't ever see it again from the moment we step back on board.  _ Captains _ don't cry.” 

“But  _ Kathryn _ does…” He started combing his fingers through her tangled hair. 

“ _ Kathryn _ is staying here, or didn't you get that part?” 

“Turn around.” He situated her so she had her back to him, and started removing the pins and combing her hair down in earnest. “No, I'm bringing Kathryn with us. As often as I can, I'm going to make her take her hair down and makeup off.” 

“Planning a prison break?” She sighed as he began gently massaging her neck. 

“Yes.” His lips replaced his fingers, as he began laying tiny kisses along her neck. 

“Chakotay…” 

“I want to touch you, Kathryn.” Not letting up on her neck, he reached around her and began unfastening her uniform. “One last time…” 

Her jacket disappeared and her tunic followed close behind. All that was left was her tank, which he reached under to touch her bare skin. Fingers barely skimming the skin, his hands found their way around to her front. 

Breath quickening, she leaned back against him. “I'm not sure this is a good ide...ahhh…” He’d reached her breasts and was caressing them, gently rolling her nipples. 

The tank found its way to the growing pile of clothes, her exposed skin tingling from the combination of the cool air and his hands. “One… last… time… Kathryn…” 

With his lips back on her neck and his hands caressing her breasts, she lost all willpower. Wasn't this what she had wanted last night? Just one last time together. How fitting that it would be here.

She turned to face him, up on all fours, hair falling loosely over her bare shoulders. “Kiss me, Chakotay.” 

“Gladly.” Pausing to wipe at the smeared mascara around her eyes, he captured her lips in a driving kiss. Stopping her when she moved to lay him down on the sandy shore, he broke the kiss. 

“Move to the meadow.” 

Just as they reached the point where the sand moved into the grass, she stopped. “Wait.” 

Hurrying to the rock, she retrieved the rings and brought them back. “Just once…” She slipped the larger one on his finger. 

Taking the smaller one, he slipped it onto hers. “Just once…” He agreed. “I love you, Kathryn.” The kiss was tender and sweet. 

“I love you, too, Chakotay.” 

They made love one last time in the same spot where they had first come together. Afterwards, they washed themselves in the lake and laid in the sun to dry - as they had done so often. 

When they could no longer postpone their return, they dressed back into their uniforms. The distance created by those simple pieces of cloth broke her heart all over again. 

“Don't cry, Kathryn.” He wiped the errant tear from her cheek. “Especially with you in uniform.” 

Wrapping her in his arms, he held her close for a moment as she felt the now familiar desire to stay there forever. Wrenching herself out of his arms, she broke the embrace, stepping back and straightening her uniform. “We need to get back before they send a search party for us. Not to mention, I need to fix my hair and makeup.” 

They left the rings behind - placed back on the rock as a silent testament to the love that grew there. Let future visitors find it and wonder about the story it tried to tell.

When they got back to their house, the commbadges were crackling with worried hails.

*The Doctor to Captain Janeway.* 

*Voyager to Commander Chakotay. Do you read?*

Hurriedly, Kathryn grabbed one of them. “Janeway here. Sorry about the delay. There was… something we had to do.” 

*Hmph. It's difficult to believe it was more important than your  _ cure _ .* 

“Doctor…” The Command voice came back without even trying. Was she a little disappointed that it was  _ that _ easy to slip back into it? “There are a good many things that are important… for many different reasons.” 

“Besides, we didn't have a definite time for your arrival.” Chakotay chimed in, attempting to divert attention into a less personal explanation.

*And it didn't occur to you to simply bring your communicator along with you?* 

With a look of thanks at Chakotay’s redirection, she huffed an annoyed sigh at the Doctor. “Actually, it didn't. It's been awhile since we had to think about one.”

“Now that we're all present and accounted for, can we get this started?” Now Chakotay's voice had dropped into Command tones. 

She could almost hear the Doctor puff up his chest. *I'm sending down two hyposprays. Please administer them to each other, then relax and drink plenty of water. My research has shown a tendency for it to cause mild dehydration.” 

Two hypos appeared on the table in front of them. “How long until we know that it worked?” 

*It should take about an hour for the medication to make it through your systems. You will then need to scan yourselves to ensure complete saturation.” 

For some reason, the mention of a medical tricorder sent them into a fit of laughter. 

*Captain? Are you alright? Hysteria was not one of the possible side effects in my research.* The Doctor’s response only caused the laughter to continue. 

Finally, Kathryn was able to pull herself together. “We're fine, Doctor. We haven't even administered it yet. We'll need you to send down a medical tricorder, though. Ours broke months ago.” 

*Hmph… well perhaps this will be better, anyway. The tricorder will need special settings. I'll program one and send it down. Now…  _ take the medicine _ .” 

The problem was that administering the hyposprays meant touching each other all over again. Her hand trembled as she reached for his neck. When his hand joined hers to guide her to his jugular, her eyes darted to his where he held them as she touched the button and released its contents into his system. 

Eyes still holding hers, he gathered her hair to one side and gently caressed her neck as he felt for her jugular. Instead of rubbing the sting away, he moved closer to her and placed a tiny kiss on the spot. Putting her hands on his chest to keep from falling back into his arms, she shook her head in a silent plea for him to stop.  Eyes softening in apology, he let her go. 

*Have you done it?* The Doctor's voice intruded on their unspoken conversation. 

They both jumped in surprise. Out of practice with using the communicators, neither one of them had realized that the connection was still open. 

“Yes, Doctor.” Taking the one hypospray out of Chakotay's hands, she placed them both back on the table. “You can take them back, now.” Silently, they watched as the two hypos disappeared, quickly replaced by a tricorder. 

*Wait one hour, then scan each other. Hail me and I will check your results. The Doctor out.* 

Tapping the badge for good measure, she sighed. 

“I guess we should sit down.” Chakotay spread his arm out toward the sofa, inviting her to go first. 

They spent the next hour chatting about the lack of change in the Doctor’s acerbic nature and wondering what they could expect from everything else. Pointedly, they kept from touching each other, desperately trying to put distance between them. If she could manage to get herself back to the place they had been before she got sick - good friends, but not lovers - she figured she would be able to function as his Captain again. 

Finally, the hour was up and they slowly scanned each other. Glancing at the readings, she couldn't make anything out of them. The Doctor hadn't exaggerated when he said the tricorder would need special settings. 

Hailing the Doctor, however, showed them yet one more adjustment they were going to have to make. 

*Your hour is not finished, Captain.* 

Momentarily confused, the realization dawned quickly. “The ‘hours’ here are shorter. I'd forgotten…” 

*Interesting… This may have changed your internal body systems. I'll check the readings as if a  _ ship _ hour has passed, and we can get a better idea.* 

They waited in silence as the Doctor downloaded the readings and looked them over. A series of ‘hmn' and ‘oh' was the only sound coming through.

Reaching the end of her patience, she prompted him. “Doctor?” 

*Hmm? Yes, well… it seems that your internal systems  _ have _ adjusted to the timing of the planet. We should be prepared for a period of adjustment to ship timing. However, this  _ does _ mean that the serum has made it through your systems already.* 

“What happens now?” Chakotay had also reached the end of his patience. 

* _ Now _ we beam you to sickbay, where I will monitor the progress of eradication of the virus.*

“Why not do that here?” It seemed the time had officially come for them to say goodbye to paradise. Did she sound as reluctant to leave as she was? 

*Staying there comes with the concern that you will simply become re-infected, possibly making the virus become resistant to its cure.* 

Unfortunately, it made sense. She felt her whole body deflate. “Very well… Give us a few moments to gather our personal items. Janeway out.” She cut the connection before the Doctor could protest, realizing she hadn't fixed her hair or makeup - and that she needed a moment to say goodbye. 

Hurriedly, they repacked their toiletries and small personal items into smaller bags to take with them. As she moved the items, she took the time to properly brush her hair out and twist it back on her head, then apply a little bit of makeup to brighten her face. 

All too soon, they were ready, standing outside amidst the crates that held the contents of her ‘take with’ piles. One last look around at their home culminated in a shared look with Chakotay. She hoped she was able to convey her sorrow and love in that last glance. 

Breaking eye contact, she squared her shoulders and pasted on her Captain’s mask. Tapping the commbadge that once again held its place on her chest - over her heart…  _ how fitting _ \- and sentenced herself to a life of solitude and service. “Janeway to Voyager… two to beam up.” 


	6. Chapter 6

Kathryn yawned and rested her chin in her hand. They’d been back for five days - the first two under quarantine in sick bay, the next off duty in their quarters with orders to acclimate themselves to ship schedules. By the time they were allowed back on duty, she was nearly crazy with boredom. Idleness had never been a strong suit for her, and the circumstances around this particular period of it had her nearly crawling up the bulkheads. 

The first day on the bridge had been surreal. Although the two days under the Doctor’s scrutiny had served to put the necessary personal space between her and Chakotay, actually being in  _ command _ of him was much more difficult. She’d ended up being brusque and formal with him - more so than she ever had. 

Seeing the crew had been wonderful, though. Their delight at having her back with them bolstered her and eased her sorrow at the loss of the life she’d left behind. But the adjustment back to ship time was still playing havoc on her system, and she was tired all the time. Yawning again, she considered a cup of coffee, but decided against it. Something about it just didn't taste the same. Perhaps she was just craving some Kay Tea.

*The Doctor to Captain Janeway. I'd like to see you in sickbay as soon as possible.* There was a touch of worry in his voice - enough to alarm her. 

“I'm on my way, now, Doctor.” 

Arriving in sickbay and seeing his face did not ease her concern. 

“Please lay down on the biobed, Captain, so I can scan you.”

“What's wrong? Did the virus come back?” 

“Hmm? Oh… no…” He lapsed into silence as he continued a deep scan of her body. 

She endured his humming and hawing over her for as long as she could take. “Doctor?” 

Sighing, he stepped back from the biobed. “You may sit up, now. We need to talk.” 

Fear coursed through her, but she held it back, bracing herself for whatever he had to say. 

“You have an unknown enzyme in your thyroid. Did you perhaps contract an additional sickness while on the planet?” 

“Um… yes. It was after the medical tricorder broke, so we have no scientific record of it. But I was unconscious with a high fever for several days, then extremely weak for a while after that. Has it caused lasting problems? Is it still dangerous for me to leave the planet? I haven't felt sick since we've been back.” 

“Not  _ sick _ in the medical sense… but  _ home _ sick or  _ heart _ sick, perhaps.” She’d never heard his voice soft and compassionate. It nearly brought her to tears, again. Maybe  _ this _ was the lasting effect - extreme emotions? 

“I… I'm not sure what you mean.” 

“The way the cure worked in your systems altered your typical readings. That, coupled with this unknown enzyme masked… I hadn't detected it before.” 

His hesitance irritated her. “Spit it out, Doctor.” 

“You're pregnant, Captain.” 

_ Damn _ ! “So, I _ was _ right… I'd hoped… when you didn't say anything…” Her face dropped into her hands and the tears began…  _ again _ . “Now what do I do?” She mumbled it to herself, but the Doctor must have thought she was asking him.

“This will be a high-risk pregnancy for you, as I'm sure you know. You could terminate it, of course… or remove the fetus and keep it in stasis until we get home… or there's always surrogacy…” 

“You misunderstand me, Doctor.” As she spoke, she lifted her head to meet his eyes. “I have every intention of keeping this baby right where it is - for as long as I can. My question had to do with how to handle the relationship with the baby's father.” 

“Ahem… yes… well that  _ is _ a sticky matter. I thought I had detected… it certainly explains why you were so reluctant…” He huffed an exasperated sigh at his attempt to broach such a sensitive subject, then gave up. “Shall I contact Commander Chakotay?” 

_ No time like the present _ . “Yes, I guess you’d better.” 

“Sickbay to Commander Chakotay. I need to see you in sickbay.” 

*Chakotay here, Doctor. Is there a problem?* 

“Ahem… not a  _ problem _ per sey… call it an  _ urgent matter _ .” 

*On my way.* 

Entering sickbay, Chakotay stopped dead in his tracks as he took in the Doctor’s concerned look and her face wet with tears. She knew it was an automatic response that, just an hour ago, she would have rejected outright and chastised him for. Now she welcomed it as he rushed forward and gathered her into his arms. 

As if realizing he’d crossed their new boundaries, she felt him loosen his hold to pull away, but she wrapped her arms around him and kept him there. Gripping her tighter in response, he tilted his head down to speak softly in her ear. “What’s wrong, love?” 

“Ahem… well… I'll be in my office if you need me.” They barely acknowledged the Doctor as he took his leave. 

She let herself get lost in his  _ Safe _ for a few moments while he tenderly rubbed her back. “Kathryn? I can't let my imagination run wild much longer.” 

Letting him go, she sat up and wiped her face.  _ Just spit it out _ . “I'm pregnant.” 

He caught himself on the edge of the biobed. “ _ Pregnant _ ? What do you plan to do?” He was hesitant, as if afraid of her answer. 

“What  _ we _ are going to do is keep me pregnant as long as we can. The rest… we'll have to figure it out. There's no hiding what happened on New Earth, now, and…” 

“Keeping your home life separate from your Command life is going to be next to impossible, Kathryn.” Now, he sounded hopeful, joining her on the biobed to wrap one arm around her. 

“I know…” She laid her head on his shoulder. 

“Kathryn… we’ve fought before, and were still able to show a united front on the bridge. Once the crew settles into the idea, me being kicked to the couch isn't going to be a blip on the gossip radar.” 

“Well, we’d better not run into anything challenging for the next couple of months. This promises to be a bumpy ride.” 

“We actually got lucky there. The ship has at least three months worth of knowledge about what’s ahead of us.” 

“I hadn't thought about that. Three months should cover a good deal of the pregnancy.” 

“ _ And _ time for the gossip to cease. Can we at least revisit the idea of staying together?” 

“The Doctor said I was heartsick. Having the Captain distrac… oh, I don't know, Chakotay. I just don't know what to do.” She buried her face in his neck while he held her close. 

The truth was that she wanted to agree with Chakotay. Now that she was back on Voyager, living the life she had decided on when wrapped in a bubble of pain and shock - and more than a little fear - she was starting to realize the life of solitude and  _ separateness _ she had sentenced herself to. A baby sent just about every one of her arguments out an airlock. 

Caring for it on a daily basis wasn't really the issue. Sam Wildman had made it work without a significant other to share the burden. A great number of the crew had stepped up to take childcare shifts. She thought they would do the same for her and Chakotay. 

The issue was that she would never again be able to separate her heart from her Command. With every decision she made, some part of her was going to be screaming in fear for that little life. There was no question in her mind that Chakotay would be there every step of the way - sharing duties, changing diapers… anything and everything else. 

What difference would it make for her to be thinking of two lives instead of one? How much  _ more _ help would he be able to give if they shared a bed? To have each other's shoulder to cry on… to share the joys of first steps and words… Her reaction to those things that should bring a parent immeasurable joy would have to be smothered for her if she was going to force herself into command distance. 

“Kathryn, we're being watched.” When she didn't respond, he stroked her cheek. “The Doctor is watching us.” But her brain had shut down. She could no longer think… or feel… or move. she couldn't even  _ care _ . The end of her rope had been reached, and all she could do was hang onto Chakotay.

She heard him call the Doctor over. Heard him ask a thousand questions. Caught the Doctor's hesitation on answering some of them, then the decision that the father of the child needed to know. All the while, she kept her face in Chakotay’s neck, drowned herself in his  _ Safe _ , and let him take care of her and the world around her. 

Then he picked her up and settled her onto his lap. He’d done that once, after a particularly bad nightmare. Her arms moved around him automatically, and she buried herself as deeply into him as she could. Silence fell, then she felt the sting and heard the hiss of a hypospray against her neck, then the world went blessedly dark. 

 

She woke in the darkness of her quarters, wrapped in Chakotay's arms. Snuggling back into him, she resisted answering him.

“Hey…” 

“Hey…” Her voice was muffled by his shoulder. 

“How are you feeling?” 

Sighing, she pulled her face out of his shoulder. “Exhausted... scared… brain-dead…” She tucked her head back into his shoulder. “ _ Safe _ .” 

He stroked her back. “I always meant to ask you what that meant to you. ‘Safe’ - it's like a label instead of a feeling.” 

“It's both - and very difficult to explain.” Sitting up a little, she rested on her elbow. “It's instinctive… it's you… your entity…  when I'm in your arms, I'm  _ Safe _ . The universe can't harm me when I'm with you. Remember when I came back from the Vole? I stopped when I reached you… it was  _ Safe _ there, although, at the time, I had no idea who you were. Am I making sense?” 

Nodding, he cupped her cheek. “In some ways, I feel the same about you. When we're together, it feels as if we can  _ take on _ the universe. Nothing can stop us… it may slow us down, but together we will get past it -  _ through _ it.” 

Something let go within her. Justin was the only other person she’d felt this way about. It had taken a great deal of time for him to understand what she meant. But Chakotay… Chakotay understood immediately... felt the same way she did. The tears started again. 

“Kathryn…  _ please _ don't cry anymore.” 

“You’d better get used to it. I hear pregnancy hormones can be a bitch.” 

Laughter rolled through him. “Does this mean you're going to cry on the bridge? A hormonal Captain Janeway just might take out the entire Delta Quadrant.” 

She punched him lightly on the shoulder. “Not the  _ whole _ thing - maybe just a sector or two. Besides… it's usually the  _ father _ that gets the brunt of it.” 

He stopped laughing suddenly… his face turning from mischief into pure joy and wonder. Seemingly of its own accord, his hand moved to caress her stomach. “Kathryn… you're having my baby.” 

Placing her hand over his, she smiled genuinely for the first time since Tuvok had hailed them that fateful morning. “I know.” 

It happened naturally - the subject of their conversation, the proximity of being wrapped up together in bed, the realization that Chakotay shared her feeling of  _ Safe _ \- she pivoted forward on her elbow and kissed him. 

Wrapping his arm around her, he held her to him, deepening the kiss. She clung to him as if he was a lifeline, bringing her back to the world, breaking the barriers of solitude she'd begun to rebuild around herself.   

Their lips finally separated and they stared into each other's eyes. He looked as if he was ready to swallow her whole… but he didn't. A moment later, she realized why. He was waiting… waiting for her to make a decision… waiting for her to decide her - their - next move.

She saw his eyes change as she leaned in closer to him, then he gave into temptation and pulled her back in for another kiss. Her heart fluttered at his touch, begging for the completeness it only felt when he was near. 

She pushed into his kiss… crushing their mouths together… tongue sweeping across his lips, asking for entrance. He opened readily, sucking her tongue into his mouth as if it was a lifeline. The kiss spiraled out, the intensity increasing exponentially.

This time, there was no going back - no pushing him away in the mistaken belief that she could live separate from him. They were tied together, the tiny life growing inside her bonding them together forever.


	7. Chapter 7

“She's so tiny, Chakotay.” Kathryn held their daughter - born a month early by cesarean fetal transport - gently in her arms. 

Chakotay leaned down and stroked the baby's downy cheek. “Tiny, but perfect.” He kissed Kathryn gently. “She has her mother's eyes.” 

“That may change, you know… most babies are born with blue eyes.” She gave him a mischievous smile and caressed the baby's head, crowned with a tuft of dark brown hair. “Her  _ hair _ , though… she has your hair.” 

“Which can  _ also _ change, by the way.” The Doctor came bustling over. “Now, if you please, I must give her a full examination.” 

Reluctantly, she handed over the tiny bundle. It was necessary, she knew. The Doctor had been monitoring her closely for the past three months, and was concerned that the extra protein in Kathryn’s system had passed over to the baby. 

While they waited for the final pronouncement, Chakotay perched himself on the edge of the bed and held her close. “You can get up and walk around whenever you want to, now.” 

“And get out of  _ here _ .” Concerned about the state of her uterus, the Doctor had finally ordered bed rest. At first, he’d been willing to let her stay in their quarters, but after about two weeks, had forced her to move to sick bay so he could monitor her firsthand. 

Scooting over on the biobed, she motioned for Chakotay to lay down with her, then kissed him. “I've missed you.” 

“And I've missed you.” They’d been together since that day when the Doctor had informed them of her pregnancy. To her surprise, the crew had taken their relationship with little more than a blink. Most of them had suspected that something had happened on the planet and were simply relieved that their commanding officers had found happiness. 

News of the baby had been met with joy and excitement. As she had hoped, many of the crew who had helped Sam Wildman immediately stepped forward to offer the same assistance to her and Chakotay. Truth be told, however, she wasn't sure now about what she wanted to do. 

Getting accustomed to being Chakotay's commanding officer on the bridge and his lover in their quarters had been difficult. She’d made it through to the other side by establishing rules between them about keeping ship's business out of their private time. Any discussions that pertained to Voyager happened either on the bridge or in her ready room. On the flip side, personal discussions - and activities - were not allowed in those areas. 

Plans for after the baby were straightforward. After the period of leave, she would go on duty for half shifts, then work up to full ones. Command positions would adjust to almost what they had been when they were away until she was at full duty. Chakotay would take charge as captain, Tuvok would move up to first officer, and Tom would take the second officer position. 

They’d had a good dry run when the Doctor ordered full bed rest. At first, she’d chafed at being away from the bridge, forcing Chakotay to give her daily updates on ship's business. During the first scrimmage Voyager went through without her, she had been climbing the bulkheads in frustration. But when the dust settled, all had gone extremely well, and she’d been able to relax. 

That, coupled with her growing focus on the life inside her, had lessened her interest in what happened on the bridge at all. By the time the ship encountered a second hostile race, she barely paid attention to Chakotay's briefing.

Now, she wasn't sure at all what she wanted to do when she returned to duty. Instead of not being on the bridge, she was more concerned with leaving the baby. Ideas of stepping down permanently from command swirled through her head. Positions in engineering or stellar cartography would give her the freedom to stay with the baby instead of rushing to the bridge every time something came up. 

The only hitch was how the crew would take it if she was no longer leading the ship. They’d given up nearly a year of their journey home in order to have her back leading them. Simply stepping away could cause resentment. But having her focus elsewhere when the ship was engaged in sensitive situations wouldn't help anyone. 

“Who gets to hold her, now?” As usual, the Doctor intruded on her thoughts. 

Chakotay sat up quickly and reached for the little bundle. “My turn.” 

She felt a pang of worry. As small as the baby had looked in her arms, it looked miniscule wrapped in Chakotay's large frame. How the hell was she supposed to leave that tiny little creature? 

Once the little bundle was passed over, the Doctor straightened up and became officious. “We need to talk.” 

Kathryn's heart sank and fear crept in. There was a problem. She grabbed Chakotay's arm and braced herself. 

“Although the enzyme in Kathryn's system was fed to the baby in utero, it hasn't officially become a part of her system. Unfortunately, the same can be said for the cure of the virus.” 

Chakotay's body went taut. Her heart stopped and she forgot to breathe. “W-what does that mean?” 

“Well… she was conceived when you were both infected, and the virus seems to have become a part of her - of her body's makeup. I honestly have no idea what will happen with her.” 

“You don't know if she'll get sick?” Kathryn was still having trouble breathing. 

“Exactly. Just like the enzyme in your system, the cure seems to have been passing through her, but it hasn't become a part of her. It may be dormant…” 

“But it might also make her sick… and kill her.” She’d never seen Chakotay cry. The sight of tears streaming down his face nearly broke her.

“Yes. I'm concerned that the serum that cured the both of you might either be too strong for her, or - since the virus is a part of her - possibly kill her.”  

She put her hand on her daughter's head. This baby was a miracle… she’d thought she would never be able to take a baby to term, but here it was, squirming in its father's arms. 

The fight came back into her, taking over her fear and grief. Her shoulders straightened. “Death is  _ not _ an option, Doctor. You will find something that works.” 

“I will do my best, Kathryn, but I cannot promise miracles.” 

“She  _ is _ a miracle, Doctor. You know that as well as I do - just as I know that  _ you _ are part of why she is here.” 

She marveled at the complexity of his holographic program as she watched his ‘mind' process possible ways to handle the situation. “Alright… I will place her placenta in stasis. It could be that the stem cells can help deliver the cure to her. In the meantime, while I do some more research, you will breastfeed her in hopes that she will continue to receive the cure through your milk - just like she did in utero.” 

Concrete plans further bolstered her. The Doctor had performed many miracles since he was first activated. He would perform one now. She turned her attention to Chakotay, who had still not said a word. Careful not to crush the baby between them, she pulled him towards her and brought his head down to rest on her shoulder. 

“It will be alright, Chakotay.  _ She _ will be alright. The Doctor is coming up with a plan to make sure our little girl is safe.” As she rubbed his back and whispered words of comfort in his ear, it occurred to her that she had never done this. It had always been  _ him _ comforting _ her _ . 

 

A week later, the Doctor came to her with the only solution he could think of. He would implant some of the baby’s infected stem cells into her body and allow them to re-infect her. Once she was sick, he would give her the antidote in the hopes that it would cure the stem cells along with her. The ‘cured' stem cells would then be implanted in the baby. 

“It has a very low chance of success, and could possibly kill you both.” 

She made the decision without consulting Chakotay and had the stem cells implanted in her before he was even aware. At one time, she had been faced with the ‘which one to lose’ decision. Frozen in grief, she’d made neither and had lost both. She couldn't make Chakotay face that - wasn't even sure if she could survive the loss of her baby, anyway. Better that he lose both in the attempt to save one, than lose one and watch the other wither away. 

He was furious when he found out. Given that the process had already started, he put away his fury and, turning the ship over to Tuvok, focused on spending as much time with both of them as he could. 

It took only two days for her to show the signs of infection. The Doctor waited another to make sure it was throughout her system. Once he administered the antidote, things would happen quickly. The stem cells would show signs of being cured within moments, and they would have to be transferred into the baby while it was still actively working.

Kathryn was sitting propped up on the biobed, arguing with Chakotay while he held the baby. 

“Chakotay, you have to understand. I  _ have _ to do this.”

“What if I lose you both, Kathryn? You're already sick.”

“That's just it, Chakotay. I'm already sick… it's too late to go back. You'll lose me if I lose her. I can't… I have to try.”

“Are you ready, Kathryn? Commander, please put the baby back down. I can't operate with her in your arms.”

“Let either one of them die, and I will decompile your program. Do we understand each other?” 

“I've warned you of the risks, Commander. Now lay the baby down and let me get started.”

Chakotay laid the tiny infant in the bassinet and stood back. There were tears in his eyes as he moved over to Kathryn. “Please stay with me, my love.”

“I'll do my best. I love you.” Chakotay kissed her and stood back to let the Doctor work.

The process had barely begun when alarms started ringing. The Doctor started racing around between the two patients.

“Sickbay to Lt Paris. I need you immediately!”

*On my way, Doc.*

Chakotay raced over to Kathryn’s side and grasped her hand. “Please don't leave me Kathryn. I need you. Our daughter needs you. Please stay with us!”

Suddenly, Kathryn felt a hand take the one on the other side of her biobed. A voice whispered into her head. 

“ _ Kathryn, please listen to me. This world isn't real. It's just a dream. I need you to come back to the real world… the real me. All you have to do is follow me. I will help you wake up.” _

“Kathryn, my love… please don't leave me. I need you.” Chakotay was pleading to her from the other side of her. 

Kathryn was confused. Both voices were Chakotay's. One was begging her to stay, while the other told her that everything happening was only a dream. She kept turning her head back and forth, trying to decide which voice was real.

_ “Kathryn, you have to wake up. This world isn't real. We need you in the real one. I need you.”  _

A dream? Wake up? What the hell was he talking about?

_ “Voyager needs you, Captain. We can't get home without you”  _

Voyager. The Chakotay she could see had never mentioned her waning interest in the running of the ship. Instead, he’d taken over completely, leaving her out of everything. She'd been so wrapped up in the baby, her guilt-driven obsession with getting everyone home had been shunted away. 

No one had even called her Captain in quite a while. Wanting to feel like more of a mother, she’d asked the Doctor to address her as Kathryn when discussing the baby. Chakotay usually called her Kathryn, and had dropped the title completely as soon as he stopped giving her briefings.

Chakotay didn't have that focus - that drive - to get back to Earth. He’d told her that point blank back on New Earth. With no family to go home to, he would be just as happy finding a planet here and settling down. She couldn't let that happen.

She turned her head and looked directly at the voice on her other side. Another version of Chakotay began to appear out of the air. 

“Voyager? My crew… my mission… my fault… I'm selfish to stay here… I have to go. Take me home.”

He pulled on her hand and helped her sit up and scoot off the biobed, leaving a ghost of a body behind. She stopped to look in the bassinet, touching the tiny face and placing a kiss on its downy head.

“Someday, little one. Someday we will see each other again.” She let this ‘other' Chakotay lead her, face covered in tears, to the corner of the room. 

“Do you see the moon, Kathryn? It's in front of the sickbay doors.”

_ Moon? In sickbay? _ But there it was - large and bright. “Yes.” 

“Close your eyes and tap the back of your hand three times…” 

 

\-- fin --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second place where the dialog is copied from the Resolutions episode are the hails from Tuvok when the ship returns. I know… minor, right? But still, they weren’t originally my words/phrases. Must give credit where credit is due!


End file.
